57 here---Let's now discuss the "Most anticipated game of the year," Halo: Reach. Frankly, by now people, I would hope, would be done with Halo, everything about it by now would be old, repetitive and stupid. But, no, Bungie has decided to try and breathe live once again into a pretty old and almost dead thing with Halo: Reach. I have to assume that the cocaine bucket was getting pretty low. I'm not going to buy this, and I know I said that for Star Craft 2, but this time I mean it. Let me give you 5 simple reasons why I will not pick up Halo: Reach, ever.
5. I know how it ends. How? Simple, I read the fucking book, The Fall of Reach. In there it tells you everything on how Reach fell, except one thing: Why the fuck is Reach so important? It's a very important battle, and they need to send in almost every single Spartan! That's great. Why? SPOILER, but this is going to end With Master Chief on the Pillar of Autumn in cyro, when they make a lightspeed (Or whatever it's called) jump that makes them find Halo 1, and the rest of the Spartans are stuck on Reach getting their asses handed to them.
4. Stupid. Fucking. Story. Since I have read the story of Reach, I can say that it is one of the most pointless and stupid stories I have ever. Now let me just say this, certain aspects of the Halo universe is quite fun, that's obvious. But this is just stupid, it explains nothing and expands nothing. Oh, but wait! There are now whole teams Spartans! Seriously? That's your selling point for this game? More Spartans? That means nothing to me. It's almost just like saying, "oh look this cheese here? It has more cheese!"
3. Old, out of date multiplayer gameplay. One of the things I like about a gaming series with a multiplayer is progression. We saw that in modern warfare 1&2, and bad company 1&2, the multiplayer expanded and improved. Halo has only ever the 1990's multiplayer style of everyone rushing to the missile launcher. That was great in the 90's, but now everyone has moved on to the newer, better style of gameplay. Not to grenade spaming, because since everyone has shields you need to throw grenade after grenade after grenade, and it just get's fucking tiring.
2. The re-emergence of Halo-Jesus fanboys. Now, once again we will have to deal with the 10-25 year old douche-bag that will not play anything but Halo, think it's the greatest thing ever and think James Cameron copied Halo for Avatar. There's one thing I absolutely hate about online, the 13 year old, high pitch little douche-bag whose balls haven't dropped yet that think they're the shit and stop screaming their asses off in a vain attempt to have the vibrations of their voice have their balls drop. The thing is a lot of them will probably not like Reach as much as the past Halos, but won't admit it because they think the Gods of Bungie will come and beat them up in front of their parent whose basement they've been living in for the past 14 years.
1. No Sargent fucking Johnson. Now, we can all admit that every series has it's share of badasses. For Halo, it was Sargent Johnson. I can easily say that Johnson was one of the biggest badasses I've ever seen. Why is this? Because he was modeled off one of the biggest badasses ever, the gunny. So, Bungie, what are you going to do to one of the most indestructible characters ever? Kill him off? Oh that's a great fucking idea! So you know what Bungie? Fuck your story! Fuck your game! And fuck you for taking out Sargent Johnson!
Editors note: I'm fully expecting to get a shit-ton of hate mail from Halo fanboys for publishing this. So, you know what fanboys? Bring the hate mail, I will fully enjoy reading barely put together emails (because I know none of you learned to write) and sending my better arguments back to you to prove you're idiots.
Have a nice day.
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